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Bonus, Indeed.

When my maternal grandparents passed away within two years of each other, I was still in elementary school. Obviously life happens: nobody can plan when it’s supposed to end. (I’m not even sure if anyone would want to plan the timing of that milestone.) Those of us who are left behind usually say things like, “I wish she were still living” or “He died way too soon” or, as if to justify feeling robbed of more time, “Only the good die young.” All I knew as a young girl was that I was going to miss my grandparents terribly, and I have.

Lucky for my sister and me, Marilyn and her husband Jack–who were my grandparents’ best friends–stepped in as “Bonus Grandparents”. They didn’t have grandkids of their own and whether or not they verbally promised (as best friends do) our grandparents that they would be in our lives, they picked up–in their own way–where our grandparents left off.

When we lived away from Chicago for a while we’d come back to visit and Marilyn would always have a table full of food: overfull, really, because that’s the Jewish mother way. She would implore us to eat more corned beef, new pickles, bagels, everything, even though we were stuffed and couldn’t fit in another bite. Her fussing over us all came from the heart and if there ever was an ideal hostess, she was it.

Her pet name for all of us was “Dolly”. It tripped off of her tongue naturally and, especially because nobody had ever called us that before (or since), it made us feel so special.

She and Jack traveled from Chicago to Tennessee for my high school graduation, and they were there for the surprise party I was given when I turned thirty.

Not too long ago, she said to me, “I was not happy when you got married so young.” So honest, and she wasn’t alone in her feelings back then. She understood though, having been married to the love of her life, and nodded when I said, “Yeah, but it all worked out very well, don’t you think?”

She was a link to my “real” Grandma, and we shared memories of going to lunch with my mom and grandmother, Marilyn laughing along with us as my mom smuggled our then-new dachshund into the mall in a big purse, or all of us spending what seemed like hours to a child, browsing on Chicago’s Jewelers’ Row (specifically at a shop owned by Mike Pope).

We loved talking to Marilyn about how she met Jack. They were quite the dynamic duo and her stories were fun to hear. Upon finding a picture of the two of them, cigarettes in hand, on the beach back in the 1940’s, my sister said to her, “YOU SMOKED?” Marilyn said, “Oh yes, it was glamorous back then…” When we were going through her condo in preparation for the move to the nursing home in May, we found a box of cards that Jack and Marilyn had given to each other over the years. They were so in love; it was incredible to have a glimpse into that, more than five years after Jack’s passing.

Moving Marilyn into the nursing home was a difficult (while eye-opening) experience for my sister and me, along with Marilyn’s daughter-in-law, with whom we have become close as we banded together to be a “Three Muskateers” team of sorts in dealing with Marilyn’s care.

For the last two weeks, Marilyn was in the hospital right next door to her nursing home, stricken with pneumonia. For someone who was wheelchair-bound and barely had the use of one hand since a stroke years and years ago, someone who could barely do anything for herself, this was a devastating blow. We went to visit her as much as we could, even just to sit there mostly quiet next to her, just to be with her. On the day when we made the 45-minute drive and walked in only to hear her tell us that we shouldn’t be there and that we should leave right then, we did just that, telling her that we loved her and that we’d be back soon.

One day my sister burned a CD of Johnny Mathis songs–Marilyn’s favorite; she was even a long-time member of his fan club–and we brought a boombox to leave in the hospital room. We were talking with Marilyn and she would pipe in with song names as each one began.

We discussed the act of winking and how my sister can only wink with one eye but I can wink with either eye at will, both of us leaning in close enough for Marilyn to see us both at the same time, demonstrating our mad winking skills. The sight of Marilyn’s face scrunching up so she could wink with us in a forced moment of levity is something I don’t think I’ll ever forget.

Marilyn wasn’t getting better, in spite of the medical staff’s best efforts. The most recent plan was to move Marilyn from the hospital back to her room at the nursing home today, so she could be in hospice care surrounded by her pictures and other familiar surroundings. We were worried how she’d take the move, knowing it would be traumatic because she wasn’t understanding everything anymore.

We just got word that Marilyn passed away last night, just after midnight. We are saddened but relieved: relieved that she doesn’t have to suffer anymore, relieved that she doesn’t have to go through that move back to the home, not understanding what was happening or where she was being taken. We’re relieved that, according to the nurses, she died peacefully, just drifting away in sleep.

Though she will be missed greatly here on earth, I love the idea that in some way she will be reunited with Jack. They were meant to be together forever.

I highly recommend Bonus Grandparents.

Thanks for everything, Marilyn. I love you.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Thenextmartha August 13, 2012, 10:14 am

    I’m so sorry. Much love and hugs to you and Julie.

  • Just Jen August 13, 2012, 11:01 am

    Bonus family is sometimes the best family to have. I am so sorry for your loss and will keep you all in my prayers.

  • Kate Coveny Hood August 13, 2012, 11:02 am

    I’m so sorry Melisa. This was a beautiful tribute.

  • Dwana August 13, 2012, 11:23 am

    So beautifully done… I remember how fondly you spoke of your “Bonus” ~ Love & hugs Partner 🙁

  • Lisa Rae @ smacksy August 13, 2012, 12:13 pm

    So sorry for your loss. You were all so lucky to heave each other.

  • Judy VanHoose August 13, 2012, 12:17 pm

    I’m very sorry for your family’s loss, Melisa. It was wonderful to read about Marilyn. She was obviously a very, very special person.

  • Barb Bernstein August 13, 2012, 7:42 pm

    I’m thinking about you. Hugs!

  • Grandma W August 13, 2012, 7:59 pm

    Just Beautiful my heart is breaking and I’m sitting here crying my eyes out. I will miss her so much but she is now with Jack, Steve and Grandma and Grandpa. Thanks to you and Jules for all your hard work and LOVE.

    Love Grandma W

  • Headless Mom August 14, 2012, 9:20 am

    I’m so sorry I missed this yesterday. I know you loved her so so much. xoxo

  • Mrs4444 August 14, 2012, 10:50 pm

    Aw, they look like a couple of sweeties. I’m so glad you had them both in your lives. I suppose they are now up in heaven with your grandparents, too, playing cards or something 🙂

    What a blessing; that she passed the way she did, with your love in her heart. I’m sorry for your family’s loss…

  • Tara R. August 15, 2012, 8:36 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. Marilyn sounds like a lovely woman.

  • Momo Fali August 16, 2012, 7:47 am

    It takes a very special person to latch on to someone else’s grandchildren as your own and it takes a very special person to accept a bonus grandma.

    You all were meant to be together.

    Big hugs and love to you and your whole family.

  • Melisa August 16, 2012, 9:31 pm

    Thanks for all of your kind words, everybody. Your taking the time to comment means a lot to me. xo

  • deb August 17, 2012, 7:19 am

    I’m so sorry for you loss. Hugs to you and yours.

  • Karen the Microblogologist August 17, 2012, 7:19 am

    I’m sorry for your loss! My grandpa recently lost his battle with cancer so I am 100% there on the mixed feelings of sadness and relief, it is hell watching someone you adore suffer. I’m sure she is having a joyful reunion with Jack and your “real” grandparents. <3

  • Patty August 17, 2012, 7:57 am

    Melisa I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending you lots of hugs and love during this difficult time. Marilyn was very lucky to have you in her life. May she rest peacefully. xoxo

  • Liz August 17, 2012, 8:51 am

    I am so sorry for your loss my friend. Thank you for sharing such wonderful memories, rest in peace Marilyn.

  • Lisa @ Oh Boy Oh Boy Oh Boy August 17, 2012, 10:24 am

    Thinking about you guys today.

  • Colleen August 17, 2012, 11:37 am

    I am literally in tears after reading this, Melisa. What wonderful people you were so lucky to have in your lives. My condolences to you and your sister…may you (and the rest of your family) find peace and happiness sharing stories like these with each other. Jack and Marilyn should be role models to us all.

  • Jenn @ Mommy Needs Coffee August 17, 2012, 12:50 pm

    I’m so sorry, my friend. Sending you love and hugs. What a beautiful end of life she had with you and you sister in it and being with her so often. Though it sounds like what a beautiful life you all gave each other.

  • Lisa - Hannemaniacs August 19, 2012, 8:53 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. What a great post, though. I bet everyone who reads it will practice blinking when reading about your and your sister’s abilities… At least I did!